Not only does caffiene have scientific memory and productivity benefits for adults, it also helps prem babies remember to breathe!

From time to time, for various reasons, a baby is born prematurely. For example, one unborn girl was so totally outraged by the Roe v Wade decision that she felt she should protest. But how can an unborn baby protest?

Easy, if you’re smart about it. And determined. Like most things in life, you must be determined. She bluntly told her mother’s uterus walls that she wouldn’t be taking orders from The Man (or ‘The Woman’, as it were^[1]). She was coming out right then and there, four months before due or not!

So, premature babies are obviously awesome. But now we know they also like caffeine, which is cool.

I read in the paper today that it has become standard operating procedure to dope premature babies up on caffiene. You can mix it with their milk, or give it to them intravenously. I prefer intravenously, because lattes are for little girls, and I’m a big man. I’m not actually a premature baby in hospital; I’m just saying, if I was, I’d take my caffeine intravenously. I don’t have an ego complex.^[2]

The caffeine helps by stimulating their little brains and helping them to remember to breathe. This is the same idea behind letting your office staff go out for coffee every five minutes. Otherwise the poor little darlings are 6% more likely to become disabled, or die, from slack breathing and heart-beating habits.

Isn’t it a cute photo? I love babies. I’m going to go have a coffee now.

^[1] Personally, I’m not into sexism. So the term ‘The Man’ applies equally to a male Man, a female Man, or even a transgender Man during his/her operation. Maybe you’re sexist, so go find a Firefox extension that replaces ‘The Man’ with ‘The Woman’. Bigot.

^[2] You be quiet.